This Dimension

I'm bogged down with a heavy head, sleepy eyes, blocked nose... pretty much a cold. How do you get hold of someone who's never around? I feel like I can just ignore this completely and be happy, but I do need to really settle considerable issues.

What scares me a little too is the fact that often people feel something but can't quantify it, or identify it. Then one day they'll turn around and say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake. This was never love."

I know. I've done that once and am very regretful about being such an evil heartless selfish bitch. I'm not sure if I truly felt that way, but I said that. There really was no relationship at all. I know I would never do it again and have been very careful since.

It doesn't keep me from wondering if someone else could be doing this, innocently, unknowingly. Reminds me vaguely of a 1947 song written by Deborah Chessler:

Does he love me
It's too soon to know
Can I believe him
When he tells me so
And is he fooling
Is this all a game
Am I the fire
Or just another flame

What if he doesn't realise what his true feelings are? Maybe it was loneliness and anyone could've been the one. Anyone willing, anyone who fits, anyone who's around. I'm quite glad it has all worked out in this dimension because this is something I've thought hard about and really want, with all my heart and mind. But I don't know if I could ever really rest my heart. For his happiness, I'm prepared for any changes even if it means a heartbreak. I guess that also means I care a hell lot more than I thought I did. I think it'll keep growing.

Hmmm, just gotta sort it all out in time.

Man, this is silly. This has become a worry log. Wlog.

Blah

My throat is hoarse and silent with pain,
The wind chimes reckon I am late again.
Yet I laugh away my worries like a clown
Just to make way for more to weigh me down.

They line my hands and wrinkle my face.
These new doubts consume my days.
I imagine I can decide without my heart
But its rhythm pierces like a poison dart.

Technical Misfortune

I'm having a slight technical problem, at home and at the print shop. A little spate of bad luck with my work. Can't get the pictures I need and can't get the reel to work. I wonder why. I don't like it. I promised myself I'd send it all out by today, Friday, and all my material is still sitting like a lazy slug in my computer, weighing down my mind.

I know complaining won't change a thing but it'll help me forget how long it's taking me. I'm becoming delusional again. I have to leave in half an hour and I haven't had a shower yet. I'll have to bring my old reel then.

I've decided long ago that I will leave this person, who I know now would never give me a ring, even a phonecall ring, no matter how much promise there ever was. I think it's been thought through very logically and objectively, along with the support of everyone who loves me. But there's been another new factor that's come into play, which I must not consider. I must do what I should, what's right. Like a friend said, do it for myself, not for anyone else.

Also, I hate to see a grown man cry. I don't want to see any of that this year. Not even my dad, though he has every reason to. Perhaps especially my sweet old dad.

(Why do I never seem to be positive on this blog?)

I'm still glad I have my legs, arms, and my basic senses. My guardian angel's taking care of me too. I'm feeling quite alright now. Just sleepy.

Goodnight, Me.

Had fun tonight and I believe Catherine did too. She's just the sweetest. Before I forget, I made a new friend in the queue and shook Neil's hand. Hope he likes the goodies we brought him. I'm now thinking of the fox spirit that gave herself up for the monk. I've heard there is no greater love than to die for another. Death isn't the worst thing I can imagine but I wouldn't want to leave anyone who loves me upset. (Anyone loves me upset? Haha.) I am pretty sure I'd die for my family and my faith. Would I die for my current man? I think I might if it had to happen. But I find myself selfishly wondering if this specific man in question would die for me. That's terrible. I've begun to put myself ahead of him now, the man around whom I had built the last four years of my life. How did I become so self-centered and loveless? Who am I to rant about justice now eh?

Now it's finally happening. Now I'm beginning to see and learn the qualities I want in a partner. I always believed what Tonia, a fellow traveller from Australia, told me while we were driving on the west coast. You are still learning so much before you hit 25 or 26. But now I sense it perfectly. I think we humans are ever growing, learning, changing and adapting. I must remember that, and stay objective. Silly. A stubborn part of me thinks I should never allow my heart to get broken. Can I truly love my partner then? I'll worry about that another day.

I must remember to call up the community centres about the badminton courts and the tax department for my forms. And get my money from so many people. Moving Visuals, Body Sutra, GAPL, Spoc. Lyn and Dora are pretty much lost cases but I will get my money back from them one day. What is it with money and me? I'm not bad at earning it but can never seem to collect it. And I'm awful at keeping it. What a fool I am. I'll do better with a farm. I think I have to start making rules for myself not to lend any more money to anyone. It's easy to say that now since I have... none left. I wanted to laugh but I missed my cue.

I have a big long day ahead of me and I haven't even finished; well haven't even started, my supper, so I can't sleep. My mom was so considerate to fry some spring rolls for me. For many reasons, I wish my past was a little different. I am not sure how I'd prefer it but I am also very grateful that all that has come to pass has happened the way it should. I would not be here today in this world, this moment, this state of mind and who knows what else. I'm also immeasurably thankful that God and Greg are with me. Since I won't live forever, I accept the way things are. I'm at peace with the universe. Well, pretty much.

God's been so good to me!

I just found out that I have a guardian angel. I always knew I had one. Well, I always wished I had one. I often talk to him or her when I'm alone, never knowing for sure. Now I know! I bet all of us have some sort of angel watching over us. Mine's called Greg I think, and he has feathered wings.

I know this from an energy reading session I went for last night. I was apprehensive, unsure if this might alter my life path or established beliefs. It was perfectly friendly with nothing bad to report. The energy reader actually traced his wings with his hands and it was interesting for him too for he's never felt an angel or protector like that before. Then he commented that my angel was too close to me. He had to be moved back to a good distance to be able to perform his work best. And this way, I will have a fuller more complete sense of myself as well. I felt a little sad thinking my good guardian had to suddenly stand so far from me.

According to my energy reader, Soon, I asked for help and a guide about 6 years ago and I was apparently sent one. I pray quite a bit and I think that period of my life saw my dad braving his first battle with Cancer. That dreadful disease. Soon said Greg will leave when I don't need him anymore. But I'll always want him to be near. I pray God won't take him away, ever.

I had a wide smile on my face, a lightness in my step and a flutter in my heart, knowing I was loved and taken care of. Who needs a man when you have a guardian angel!

I also found my old poems and stories on a little website I used to contribute to as a kid. I'm so glad I found "Jill And The Beanstalk". But man, what crap I wrote as a kid. What went through my mind, I'll never know. Everything, almost everything I wrote about was make-believe. Maybe I was infatuated, maybe even in love, with feelings and words and the mere exploration of worlds, plights and emotions that weren't my own.

Guess that would also explain my chosen field of work.

Hot Jupiters

How compelling is this? 51 Pegasi b is a large planet 1.2 times the size of Jupiter. And it orbits the star (or its sun) called 51 Pagasi, which is a yellow-orange main sequence dwarf star of spectral and luminosity type G4-5 Va. The star is estimated to be about 7.5 to 8.5 billion years old. 51 Pegasi, the star, is in the constellation of Pegasus at a distance of about 48 light years from our sun. Here's an excerpt about its orbiting planet, 51 Pagesi b. Wonder if there's a planet a.

"51 Pegasi b has the distinction of being the first planet to be discovered orbiting another sun-like star. The discovery sent shock waves through the astronomical community, not only for the fact that it was one of the first known exoplanets, but because of its totally unexpected nature. 51 Pegasi b is a massive Jupiter-like planet orbiting at only 0.05 Aus from its sun, far closer than Mercury. At the time, theories of planet evolution allowed giant planets to form only at distances greater than several AU, at about the distance of Jupiter from the sun. The discovery of 51 Pegasi b forced astronomers to re-examine their theories.

It wouldn't be so bad if 51 Pegasi b was a lone freak case. But, the discovery of planets orbiting 55 Cancri, tau Bootes, and other sun-like stars have shown that such "Hot Jupiters" are relatively common. And, attempts to attribute the detections to photospheric anomalies in their host stars rather than actual planets proved untenable. Hot Jupiters were here to stay."

From: http://jtwinc.com/planettour.asp?StarCatId=&PlanetId=1

This Jupiter sized planet was found by Didier Queloz in 1995. It orbits really close to its sun in only 4.2 days, at a distance of 4,700,000 miles. This was independently confirmed by the planet finding team of Jeff Marcy and Paul Butler. From my understanding this planet was the first extra-solar planet to be discovered. Extra-solar means outside our solar system. It is also assumed at this point Pegasi 51 b is gravity locked, resulting in one side of the planet measuring over 1000 degrees celsius in temperature, while the other side would be frozen.

One more reason to appreciate planet Earth.

If I got anything wrong, please let me know. I haven't looked up the other planets yet. I gotta have lunch now.