A Boat Adrift
Last night, I prayed. Or simply conversed with the Almighty. What does almighty mean and what can or will it do? Perhaps, it, they, he, she... listens. And that's all we need. To send our thoughts and intentions out. To set them outside ourselves so we can move on and not let life pass us by.
So I have been working long and hard, and not very wisely, for a good part of my life. In the industry I toil in, in my country, there is little respect and little money. Integrity is also another questionable trait. I have left to seek out hope in another land and it was promising. I had a taste of it but did not have the means and opportunities to stay on. So I returned. Returned to being a gypsy, pretty much. I feel like a tiny boat adrift in the ocean. Looking for a shore to anchor to and maybe finally relax.
In that foreign land, I made a few friends and one of them kept me in the loop of what they are working on. There were always possibilities for me to be involved but every past project fell through, raising my hopes then breaking my heart each time. I had cancelled smaller projects here for the sake of these empty promises, only to find out that they weren't happening, and it would be too late to get my other projects back. A bird in hand is worth two in a bush, they say. But the bird in hand is a weary painful journey as well, while the two in the bush makes for a real leap. After all these tiresome years, an opportunity I have been counting on, holding hope out for and wishing for seems to finally show some concrete potential. From my little boat, this land seems rather far away and is beautiful and noticeable especially with its beautiful tall tower. It would somehow validate my years of slaving and rescue me from being lost or adrift once again. I feel that I can do so much on my part to get there, but there are other factors I cannot control. What if they won't let me drop my harmless little anchor there? Or what if they do but won't grant me access to the tower or have any peace? What if the tower crumbles when I finally get there?
Another opportunity appeared recently, not the kind that would make me jump for joy, but one that seems stable, simple and familiar. But also feels like a step back, which is not a big issue for me. I have always said that nothing is beneath me and my ego is a silly thing to fight. I feel though, that the agent involved might be taking advantage of us so I am still in two minds. That makes me think of an island with a farm I know how to nurture but do not own. I am grateful for the option but do I want to go back there? I have seen that island before and I have to wonder if it would be wisdom or a dead end.
Finally, there is the knowledge that I love writing and have started on a few stories. I see this as an island with a few coconut trees. I have enough to survive but it could be hard to provide for my loved ones, and I am not ready to shy away from my responsibilities or ask for crowdfunding or handouts. It's interesting to hear some people talk about this at a Halloween party recently, how some people are blatantly asking for money for any old damned reason, from going to art school to renovating their home. I knew of a pair of siblings who started a campaign to fund a parent's funeral. People supported above and beyond their requests. I thought that was very kind and said a lot about the givers. One of the people at the party said the siblings received a lot of flak for it though since both were working and weren't poor to begin with. I checked their crowdfunding page and they thanked everyone, saying they would post a detailed report how they were going to use the extra funds. That was two years ago and I could not find the report. Perhaps they paid for outstanding medical bills, or donated the extra to another charity or the hospice their parent was in. Perhaps they didn't. Not my business anyway. But I never want to owe anyone or explain why I need money. I want to work and get paid, without telling you what I am going to use my hard earned money for. Is that so hard to ask for? Apparently so in my work. Hahahaha... Anyway, if I choose this island, I know I would be happy but I would feel like a selfish, irresponsible and vain jerk. So no. Not yet anyway.
So these three are within my view, but who knows what else lies beyond the horizon. I might not want anything else anyway. I hope the foreign land is what I am destined for, a place where they have been waiting for me, expecting my arrival. I am going to start rowing over, slowly but surely. I think I have been inching closer to it every day, just because I really do want it and because of, and besides, the now empty promises of many yesterdays. Isn't it about time it took a turn for the better? I think so. And I smile at that. Finally...
I think the ideal would be for me to reach that land with the tower, ala Oz's Emerald city, and establish a respectable standing there. It might take time and effort but it would be nothing compared to what I have given up thus far. Then I can visit that coconut island as much as I like. And I can even visit the island with the farm and do a day or two as a guest.
And if I should ever be set adrift in the ocean again in my little boat, it would be because I want to have my little breaks and enjoy the sunset. Not because I have nowhere to call home.
So I have been working long and hard, and not very wisely, for a good part of my life. In the industry I toil in, in my country, there is little respect and little money. Integrity is also another questionable trait. I have left to seek out hope in another land and it was promising. I had a taste of it but did not have the means and opportunities to stay on. So I returned. Returned to being a gypsy, pretty much. I feel like a tiny boat adrift in the ocean. Looking for a shore to anchor to and maybe finally relax.
In that foreign land, I made a few friends and one of them kept me in the loop of what they are working on. There were always possibilities for me to be involved but every past project fell through, raising my hopes then breaking my heart each time. I had cancelled smaller projects here for the sake of these empty promises, only to find out that they weren't happening, and it would be too late to get my other projects back. A bird in hand is worth two in a bush, they say. But the bird in hand is a weary painful journey as well, while the two in the bush makes for a real leap. After all these tiresome years, an opportunity I have been counting on, holding hope out for and wishing for seems to finally show some concrete potential. From my little boat, this land seems rather far away and is beautiful and noticeable especially with its beautiful tall tower. It would somehow validate my years of slaving and rescue me from being lost or adrift once again. I feel that I can do so much on my part to get there, but there are other factors I cannot control. What if they won't let me drop my harmless little anchor there? Or what if they do but won't grant me access to the tower or have any peace? What if the tower crumbles when I finally get there?
Another opportunity appeared recently, not the kind that would make me jump for joy, but one that seems stable, simple and familiar. But also feels like a step back, which is not a big issue for me. I have always said that nothing is beneath me and my ego is a silly thing to fight. I feel though, that the agent involved might be taking advantage of us so I am still in two minds. That makes me think of an island with a farm I know how to nurture but do not own. I am grateful for the option but do I want to go back there? I have seen that island before and I have to wonder if it would be wisdom or a dead end.
Finally, there is the knowledge that I love writing and have started on a few stories. I see this as an island with a few coconut trees. I have enough to survive but it could be hard to provide for my loved ones, and I am not ready to shy away from my responsibilities or ask for crowdfunding or handouts. It's interesting to hear some people talk about this at a Halloween party recently, how some people are blatantly asking for money for any old damned reason, from going to art school to renovating their home. I knew of a pair of siblings who started a campaign to fund a parent's funeral. People supported above and beyond their requests. I thought that was very kind and said a lot about the givers. One of the people at the party said the siblings received a lot of flak for it though since both were working and weren't poor to begin with. I checked their crowdfunding page and they thanked everyone, saying they would post a detailed report how they were going to use the extra funds. That was two years ago and I could not find the report. Perhaps they paid for outstanding medical bills, or donated the extra to another charity or the hospice their parent was in. Perhaps they didn't. Not my business anyway. But I never want to owe anyone or explain why I need money. I want to work and get paid, without telling you what I am going to use my hard earned money for. Is that so hard to ask for? Apparently so in my work. Hahahaha... Anyway, if I choose this island, I know I would be happy but I would feel like a selfish, irresponsible and vain jerk. So no. Not yet anyway.
So these three are within my view, but who knows what else lies beyond the horizon. I might not want anything else anyway. I hope the foreign land is what I am destined for, a place where they have been waiting for me, expecting my arrival. I am going to start rowing over, slowly but surely. I think I have been inching closer to it every day, just because I really do want it and because of, and besides, the now empty promises of many yesterdays. Isn't it about time it took a turn for the better? I think so. And I smile at that. Finally...
I think the ideal would be for me to reach that land with the tower, ala Oz's Emerald city, and establish a respectable standing there. It might take time and effort but it would be nothing compared to what I have given up thus far. Then I can visit that coconut island as much as I like. And I can even visit the island with the farm and do a day or two as a guest.
And if I should ever be set adrift in the ocean again in my little boat, it would be because I want to have my little breaks and enjoy the sunset. Not because I have nowhere to call home.
posted by yeriller at 10:45 PM
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