Independence & Guilt

I never like to write anything personal here. It's my secret blog. Like a diary. But since no one will find it (me thinks), here's something rather personal and historical.

The last number of days saw me bravely (and stubbornly) battling a fever. I didn't want to consume any chemicals as I believed it was best to remain drug-free and get my body's immune system to kick in and do its job. Practice makes perfect and I wasn't gonna let it off so easily and just bringing in outside help, which, in fact, is no help at all.

Drugs aren't all bad as most of us know by now. But the drugs that employ lots of chemicals or have been processed greatly make me wonder what side effects they may be whispering about in the lab. I understand that medicine usually doesn't heal (unless it's antibiotics or a specific treatment, etc; & I'm no expert), but just suppresses or alleviates symptoms.

I wished out loud to a friend yesterday, "I wish cigarettes wouldn't smell so foul. Wish they would smell like nothing." (No offence to smokers. Some of the people I love dearly are smokers. It's the tobacco companies I cannot respect.) Then I realised we would be breathing in endless wispy clouds of second hand smoke because our noses can't detect it.

That, to me, is sort of similar to denying your symptoms with prescription drugs but not healing your illness. I also never like the idea of being dependent on anything. Though many people seem ok with that.

I always imagine an apocalyptic future where survival of the fittest will be the norm. So I do not take bottled vitamins, moisturise, or pamper myself with small luxuries (like meals that cost above S$3, taking a bus when I could easily walk a couple of stops). It's probably silly of me but I think a painful experience thanks to... gee, I actually forgot his name... made me resilient, independent, & most importantly, taught me how to say NO.

This... feller... needed money and asked me for S$50,000. Seriously? Who has that kind of money? I actually asked my parents if they would be willing to help and they said the story sounded fishy (sister in jail for credit card late payments, he needed money to bail her out), so needless to say they didn't and added a word of advice that I shouldn't try to help either. I only had about S$4,000, which I felt was a lot, and since he promised to return everything in two weeks, I lent him all of it, wishing his family well.

I don't think I need to tell anyone how that story ended. Unwilling to hear "I told you so, stupid girl", I kept it from my family. I put acting and emceeing on hold because I couldn't wait 3 months to be paid. I would starve to death and my landlady would kick me out. I hated begging for my own hard-earned money in vain.

For 8 months or so, I worked a day job in a cosmetics shop & at Hyatt at night. Hyatt was my wisest move as I was only spending money on cheap food (not even water, which I would drink from taps) & rent, & could no longer find other ways to save. Besides late night rides home, Hyatt kindly supplied me dinner & packed supper, which I would take home to eat for lunch the next day. Good thing I never was a breakfast eater. That would blow my budget. It was this period that I stopped snacking. It was a waste of money that didn't keep me full.

What I loved most was that I learnt how independent I could be, & that it's my right (& anyone's f**king right) to say "no". What I loathed most was that I could have been spending time with my wonderful father just before he died instead of slaving in a cosmetic shop for $5/hour.

The boss of that shop came to see me the next morning, to collect the keys. That's all. I didn't expect him to care actually and now looking back, he wasn't very customer oriented. He would also rather throw away old testers (which were still good to use) than give them to the staff if we wanted them. I once asked, & he said, "sure, take it. $5."

At the time, a friend also convinced me to buy some multilevel membership and I was against it simply cos I didn't have the money and I refused to borrow, after seeing how lending has affected me. Someone else I was with at the time thought it was worthwhile and shared it with me. It was a classic mistake of course (I will never go out asking people to buy something I think they should do their own research on first, & I sucked at networking, still do). That friend who sold tje useless membership to us recently apologised to me after many years, and I had actually forgotten about it. I wonder why I didn't get upset with him. Did I feel friendship was such a rare commodity I was willing to compromise that much? He's well to do now. It must have helped him somehow.

I don't know how this post went from a stubborn me not taking any drugs to my painful past. I think my time lying in bed under a sponged cloth soaked in apple cider vinegar gave me time to reflect. Sounds a little similar to the cloth soaked in vinegar that the Jewish soldiers gave to Jesus (I am certainly NOT Jesus!!).

I know deep down I have forgiven... what's his name. Or I would still have his name on my mind and will try to track him down & shame him. If he believes in Allah as he claims to, I hope he will learn in his own time. I hope no one else gets tricked though.

Nothing can bring my dad back. So in fact, forgiving him is irrelevant. I know that at the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself. My gullibility, my stubbornness, my assertion of independence, my arrogance thinking I had to and can get myself out of my self-made mess. Why didn't I just allow myself to be a helpless child of my loving father who needed me so? Oh, if only I could go back in time.

I suppose I couldn't bear to burden him since he was already so ill and dying. And I was never close to my mom, who I was certain would only judge and chastise me. Hence, my renting outside of my home.

All is past now. I cry for my father and my guilt beckons still. But I know everyday is a new day. Someday, perhaps, I might forgive myself.