Overdue List

Today I revisited an old tale that made me cry, and fall in love, and pine all at once. The book captured my entire attention. The illustrated heroes inspired my soul. And the story broke my little heart, over and over. Till only shreds were left. I remember crying this bitterly and violently when I read it the first time. It was a sad emotion but it did not feel heavy, like a bleak depressed state of dark sadness. Rather, it was sweet and hopeful in a strange way. Bittersweet?

In a way I liked it. Maybe it was not the way I felt that I liked, but the longing and the sense of how precious true love is. I suppose I would like to find someone I would die for, like the fox who gave her life gladly for the monk. I guess what I've learnt is that I do not know what it is to really fall in love.

Well, I'm not sure about so much anymore but I think I know one thing. Once you love someone, you don't ever stop. You just move on if it doesn't work out and some sort of metamorphosis takes that love to another level, lower or higher. And it becomes friendship, respect, lost love, relief, regret, the past, denial, or perhaps, even a dream. And I suppose a part of the relationship will always stay with you, maybe because you know, or want to fall in love again. Not necessarily with the same person. It's the feeling, the emotion you seek, the peace and comfort within the relationship, not the person.

Of course, I'm no expert and I'm probably not talking sense at all. But this is what I'm thinking, from what I've felt, what I feel. I imagine, that like me, some wish they had been braver and taken the chance with someone. Or been stronger and more aware so they could have broken free from someone earlier. Or just been more considerate.

After going through some relationships, I'm finally making a small list of things I will look for in a partner. They are:

- Gentleness, Kindness, Humbleness. For a truly good honest heart is hard to find.

- Respect. Anyone who's trying to control someone emotionally, even if it's by a mere sulk or stare, frightens me. I will lose trust and faith, as that person probably has lost them in me. I'd feel it becomes intrusive, a test, a game, and I will hate it. I will not respect that person anymore.

- Consideration and empathy, for me, family, people around us, kids. That, to me, means no habits with health hazards (like smoking) or other problems (like gambling).

- Some discipline, cos I have little to none.

- Understanding and Humility, for my flaws and views, plus respect (is this an overlap?) for my choices. I think being demanding, judgmental or defensive is not very understanding at all.

- Ability to do some things with me, he has to want to, at least. We'll be able to work out what, when and how. If he's a cripple, we can still play chess.

- Courage and Strength, in beliefs and personality, so he can stand up for himself, me, our kids. Well, maybe that's also a matter of love. Guess you won't bother to stand up for something you don't love, no matter how courageous you are.

The list stands this long for now but I expect to find more to add to it. Now I don't need flowers, dinners, money, material gifts, any of that stuff. Just a kind soul who can love me, take care of me and make time for me. I'm open to any gender too, so anything goes. I reckon my first point is the biggest one that kinda repeats itself in variations in the following points. Gentleness, kindness, humbleness. But I've had someone kind who couldn't do things with me. And someone to do things with who wasn't kind. I also had a potential few whom I thought was almost everything and of course, I foolishly overlooked a few points, like consideration, courage, humbleness.

I trust my parents the best now. They've been right about all, and I do mean each and every single one of the guys I've considered. After all, they've been through people, life, marriage and each other. And it's obvious they're good for each other. It's obvious they know me, and what's good for me. Perhaps that's why most arranged marriages turn out fine, especially if planned by thoughtful parents. It didn't matter if there was a lawyer in the village.

Oh well, ok. Time to sleep. Life shouldn't be so complicated. We get born, we eat, sleep, work, laugh, cry, love (something maybe), die. You come with nothing, you leave with nothing. So we worry in vain. I've been writing for nothing then. Haha. I sincerely believe that the smallest tragedy in my life would be a lousy love life. A real tragedy would be me unable to wake up in 5 hours for work. So I'll stop now.